Get This. A place for fantasy cosplayers, historical reenactors, and steampunk enthusiasts to gather, act out their hobbies, spend their treasure, and learn a little.
What is it? A well-organized, year-round theme park set up on the model of a Renaissance Faire, but with a clear distinction between fantasy elements and historical education, geared toward maintaining a profitable mecca for a wide variety of interests.
The Archaism Park Potomac would be a stepping off point for a franchise of theme parks intended to bring together historical and fantasy enthusiasts interested in milieus stretching from the ancient world to the Victorian Age.
Its central place on Chesapeake Bay (see map at right) near the Harry Nice Bridge connecting traffic from Maryland and DC with Virginia, preferably somewhere on or near the site of historical Port Tobacco, would ensure easy access to consumers all along the Eastern Seaboard.
THEME NEIGHBORHOODS (a dozen of them!)
Cathedral District is a general purpose neighborhood that includes all the shops on Cathedral Square, including the one food venue on the riverward side and the Cathedral itself, Our Lady of the Waters.
Fairy Grove is a fantasy themed neighborhood that includes all the shops and food venues between Elvenking’s Way and North Pitch Way, including the Elvenhall hotel. The theater in Fairy Grove plays fantasy films and television dramas.
Renaissance Town is a Mediterranean Renaissance themed neighborhood that includes all of the shops and food venues on Europa Way and Renaissance Way. You can get classic Greek and Italian food here.
Urbs Gloriae is an ancient fantasy neighborhood that includes all the shops and food venues on the Forum, including The Pantheon and The Villa hotel. The theater in Urbs Gloriae plays films set in the ancient world.
Caravan is a Middle East and Far East themed neighborhood that includes all the tent shops and food tents between Urbs Goriae and the Dwarven Grotto. You can get Arab and Indian food here.
Monk’s Grove is the picnic area between the Cathedral and the Middle Lake. Picnic sites, marked out by borders of flat stones, would be first come first serve.
Knight’s District is a Medieval themed neighborhood that includes all the shops and food venues on South Pitch Way, including the Pitch itself.
Port Avery is a pirate themed neighborhood that includes the tent shops and food tents between Fort Avery and the Sea Dog, all the shops and food venues on Flintlock Street that back on Knight’s Way, and two shops fronting Waterfront Street that back Victuals Square. The theater in Port Avery plays period dramas from the Age of Sail focusing on piracy. You can get magnificent buccaneer barbecue here.
Victuals Square is a food court themed neighborhood that includes all the food venues on Victuals Square. There are two shop locations to either side with fronts on Waterfront Street, which belong to Port Avery and Kingsport respectively.
Kingsport is a Victorian/Steampunk themed neighborhood that includes the shops and food venues facing on King’s Way and Victorian Row, including two shops facing Waterfront Street that back Victuals Square and two small shops facing Waterfront Street that back against shops facing Victorian Row. It includes the Imperial Arms, the premiere hotel in the park, where VIPs stay. The theater in Kingsport plays period dramas from the Age of Sail that are not focused on piracy.
Dwarven Grotto is a fantasy themed neighborhood that includes all the shops and food venues between the Caravan and Viking Town.
Viking Town is a Dark Age themed neighborhood that includes all the shops and food venues riverward of the Dwarven Grotto, including the Midgard Inn. The theater in Viking Town plays Dark Age films and television dramas.
SPECIAL STRUCTURES
The Keep is a replica Medieval fortress that serves as the administrative center of the park and the central point of entry for commuting visitors and those staying at the off-site Archaism Park motel. The main information counters and souvenir shops are located just inside the ticket gates.
The Arena is a replica Roman Coliseum where gladiator shows take place.
The Pantheon is a replica classical temple containing museum exhibits and several small shops. Ritual reeanactments of Graeco-Roman religion would be conducted here for educational purposes.
The Pitch is a performance venue for jousts and knightly combat.
Our Lady of the Waters Cathedral is a replica cathedral containing museum exhibits and several small shops. The park could even invite the Church to perform antique Latin masses as an historical education tool.
Dwarven Mountains are replica mountains that serve as a backdrop for the Dwarven Grotto neighborhood. Their heights feature animatronic trolls and a dragon that, at specified times of day, arises to breathe fire over the Grotto.
Fort Avery is a replica Age of Sail fort containing museum exhibits and several small shops. Cannon firings would take place in the morning, at noon, and at nightfall.
INNS (three layers of luxury)
Archaism Park Motel (off-site, ★☆☆ ) is a general purpose motel near the park entrance, beyond the parking lot.
Elvenhall (★★☆)is a fantasy themed hotel in the Fairy Grove neighborhood.
The Villa (★★☆) is an ancient themed hotel in the Urbs Gloriae neighborhood.
Sea Dog (★★☆) is a pirate themed hotel in the Port Avery neighborhood.
Midgard Inn (★★☆) is a viking themed hotel in the Viking Town neighborhood.
Imperial Arms Hotel (★★★)is a Victorian themed hotel in the Kingsport neighborhood.
EVENTS
Fleet Week. Scheduled to coincide with Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19), this ten-day event would be a sails-only pilgrimage for the owners of antique vessels to show off their ships and provide educational programs to teach visitors about the Age of Sail.
Hallow’s Eve. Throughout October, Halloween themed events will build toward a Trick-or-Treat afternoon for kids on 31 October. Theaters throughout the park will focus on scary films. On Halloween night itself, an “adult swim” will be announced giving children and their guardians one hour to leave the park.
Harvest. Throughout November, the park will feature food events, building toward the grand feast on Thanksgiving.
Yuletide. Throughout December, snow machines will ensure a seasonal atmosphere on days when temperatures permit. The Yuletide festivities will include holiday decorations, mulled wine and cider, free gift-wrapping, wassailing crews, and special events at all of the special structures.
Winterfest. Through January and February, the snow machines will continue in full force. Winter themed features will give each neighborhood a distinct flavor, and fire pits deployed throughout the park will give visitors places to gather, eat, and share stories.
Springfest. Throughout March and April, spring themed decorations will take over the park. Spring flowers line the streets and a lively atmosphere of celebrating new life is in the air. As Easter falls in this period, the Carnival and Pascha traditions would be major features of the period.
May Day. The pagan celebration of life would make the week of May Day a particularly festive time in the Archaism Park. This would be an opportunity to feature Vegan foods, things that grow from the Earth.
Summerfest. Throughout May, June, and July, the fun of Summer would be the focus of the Archaism Park. Fruit-flavored shandies, watermelon, and music.
FURTHER VENUES
Once the Archaism Park – Potomac is a success, other Archaism Parks would include neighborhoods that captured the local flavor.
Archaism Park – New England would include Republic Town to celebrate the American Revolution.
Archaism Park – Florida would include a New Spain neighborhood.
Archaism Park – Texas would include Dead Gulch to celebrate the Old West.
Archaism Park – Middle America would include a Plains Culture village to celebrate Native American cultures.
Archaism Park – California would include an Imperial City to celebrate Medieval Japanese culture and a Middle Kingdom neighborhood to celebrate archaic China.
Before you get your undergarments in a bunch, let me reassure you that I’m not taking a stand against this party or that, or even against politicians in general. But, I am about to take a stand against partisanship, political archaism, and unrepresentative dynamics in supposedly democratic bodies.
In the second episode of the docu-series Meet the Romans, I heard an intriguing epitaph for an ancient named Tiberius Claudius Secundus:
I keep coming back to this weird idea that human beings, for whom storytelling is a deeply seated instinct, 
I have written before about how sentimental and unscientific—and embarrassingly ungrammatical—the current International Astronomical Union (IAU) definition of planet is. See “